So upset about myself lately for behaving weak physically and mentally. I am sucha loser. Even the slightest single thing will drive my nerve up and blow my temper. :( Am so fed up with such a me. Trying hard to hold on to my emotions and tempers but sometimes I think I failed to seal it very well. Spilled out and affected some people around me. I am feeling so apologetic but words can never clarify how sorry am I to them cause no one know how shitty the feeling is. Living as if the world is ending soon yet struggling hard to convince myself it can be a bad year but it is not the end and there are much more things to anticipate with hopes everyday. I had never feel so down for such a long period for quite some times. Not even during the gap year I took before I came here. Things were easier before this? I dunno. I can tell and say them out, but the problems can never be solved until I untie the knot and open up my mind.
We are often inspired. By things or by persons. Very often, a single person or thing, which trigger a point in me will put me in contemplations for quite some times. (which then lead to me being all moody for the rest of the day wtf)
I have been reading a few blogs and looking at how other counterparts of my age or so are carrying themselves in their own world. You can call this stalking or whatsoever. But not every blog worth the read and worth wasting your time to even glance through such as mine. There is this one particular blog, which I been reading frequently for quite some times by now. It does feel slightly awkward to introduce or share a blog belongs to someone I don't know her in person. But I sincerely feel that her life inspired me. You can read her blog here. She is now in a program known as Teach for Malaysia and currently teaching in a ulu kampung (which I can't remember the name anyway). Before this she was studying in States for 3 years. It seems too good to be true that someone like her gave up living/working in States, which I am sure not everyone has the courage or even single thought to do so, went back all the way to the home country, which we all love/hate so much, to not working in the office, getting good pay, partying with friends, but to teach at an ulu place. The rest are history and you can read at her blog if you have too much free time on hands.
Reading her teaching journey is both fun and disheartening at the same time. Perhaps I never figured out the true meaning of teaching profession. Feeling so ashamed every time I read on her story about school, teaching and the kids. They are fighting for education, both the teachers and students, but I am here surrounding myself in the circle I drew upon myself and lock my mindset that the world is going an end because I will be jobless wtf. I have nothing better to do than being a pessimistic at everything around me. All the educations I received are plain waste to generate a non-constructive person like me. :(
Not only her, there is another friend who is working hard to educate the next generation here and another friend back home who is working even harder educating and providing her best to special kids. They are all just amazing and remarkably great at an age like me! They know what they want, they do what they want and they are happy with what they are doing. Although sometimes they may feel upset, helpless and fatigue, deep inside they know what they are going to do are gonna worth. Not saying the only meaningful thing to do is to teach, but things can only be meaningful when you want to do them as much as you enjoy doing them.
But what am I doing now?
Knowing what to do but never know how to do. #helpless
I don't enjoy being a pessimistic. This invisible stone is killing my hopes and happiness day by day.
:'(
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